


December Blues

by addic7edstyles



Series: Zianourry One Shots [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: A Bit of Fluff, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety, Blow Jobs, Bulimia, Caring Harry, DEPRESSION THOUGH, Dark Thoughts, Depression, Exhaustion, F/M, Insecure Zayn, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Weight Issues, You Have Been Warned, fem!Niall, fem!Zayn, girl!Niall, girl!Zayn, i think, id like harry's dick in my mouth, kind of, louis gets a blow job, she thinks she's fat, that's all the smut there is, working out too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-13
Updated: 2015-01-13
Packaged: 2018-03-07 10:11:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3171029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/addic7edstyles/pseuds/addic7edstyles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>WARNING: Depression/ Self Harm/ Pretty dark thoughts<br/>FT: girl!zayn and girl!niall</p>
<p>Zayn feels as blue as the season is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	December Blues

December 01  
“I will murder you in your sleep.” Zayn says in all seriousness as she stares at Niall and Harry makes out a couple of inches away from her. Niall snorts, flipping her blonde hair back as Harry makes a motion for her to lift her arms up so he can remove her ridiculously large sweater. Niall does exactly that, and Harry wastes no time in beginning to kiss her breasts through her see through red bra. Zayn sighs, getting up off the couch before turning the TV off and padding away to where-ever the other two boys were. 

She finds Liam knee deep in paperwork and Louis fast asleep on the floor at Liam’s feet. She’s not surprised, really, because Louis tends to fall asleep on Liam a lot - especially in the winter because Liam’s the warmest and it’s like free heating or something.   
“Harry and Niall are having sex on the couch.” Zayn pouts as she sits on the floor and snuggles into Louis, because Louis’ pretty warm too. Liam looks up from his paperwork and glances at her questioningly. 

“So join them. Or do you actually want to continue watching Santa Buddies?” Zayn sighs and cuddles her face into Louis’ shoulder, liking the way his scruff rubs against her smooth skin. 

“I’m on my period Liam.” Her words come out muffled and she doesn’t really want to cry but she sniffles anyway and suddenly Liam’s picking her small frame up before she’s on the bed and is getting kisses peppered all over her face. She giggles softly and pushes Liam’s chest, but he only growls before continuing to pepper every exposed inch of skin with kisses.

“Plenty of other ways to get pleasure, princess.” Brown orbs of smoldering fire gazes down at her before he’s at it again and hands are tugging on her own sweater. Zayn giggles, but stops Liam. 

“I haven’t shaved.” She admits shyly, “anywhere.” It’s true, and Zayn may or may not have gone to the gym at all in November so she’s pretty sure her stomach is all pudgy and gross. 

“You know I don’t care.” Liam interjects, still gazing down at her, his hands still trying to lift her sweater up but she halts him and shakes her head. 

“I’m not in the mood.” Liam smiles, kisses her forehead and settles down next to her on the bed, fingers lacing through hers as they both gaze up at the ceiling. Liam doesn’t say anything and Zayn doesn’t expect him to, because Liam’s a great guy and he would never want her to do anything she isn’t comfortable doing. They stay like that until Liam remembers his paperwork and climbs out of bed (not before forgetting to tuck her in) and Louis climbs in next to her instead. Zayn doesn’t complain when Louis slings a leg over her stomach and buries his head in her boobs before beginning to snore again. She drifts off wishing her stomach wouldn’t feel so huge under Louis’ leg. 

December 02

“I love Tuesdays.” Niall murmurs the next day around noon as she adds something into the pot that’s simmering on the stove. Zayn offers her a grin, putting her shoulder length black hair in a ponytail in the process before starting up on the vegetables. Louis’ voice singing some old JT song filters through the air as they continue to get lunch ready, knowing Liam and Harry will be back from their morning run and grocery shopping anytime now. 

“I think the meatloaf is done.” Zayn murmurs and goes over to the oven to pull it out while Niall takes the sauce off the stove and moves to the salad. Zayn can’t wait to have all this food in her stomach, she’s positively ravenous, even after the huge breakfast she had in the morning. 

“Wanna come shopping with me Friday? Want to buy some sexy bras and stuff for the guys.” Niall offers, but Zayn only shrugs as if to say she’s thinking about it, only all she can think about is how her stomach fat is going to show and the cellulite rolls forming on her thighs are going to fucking jingle if she moves around in just underwear. 

“Please, babe.” Niall’s baby blues go wide as she pouts, and Zayn eventually agrees with a sigh. “I love you.” Niall kisses her on the lips, and Zayn feels ecstatic and free and sexy until Niall wraps her arms around Zayn’s torso and all Zayn an feel are her tummy rolls under Niall’s fingers so she pulls away and begins to set the dishes.

Niall doesn’t say anything, but she stops questioning it when Zayn slaps her butt and gives her one of those drop dead gorgeous grins. 

December 03

Zayn gets up at six in the morning and sits on the balcony to stare at the sun rising. She feels weird when nothing is bathed in darkness anymore, like why does the sun have to shine and take away the mystery and jazz of the night? She goes back in at seven forty and climbs in next to Harry.

Zayn refuses to go jogging with Liam and Harry, even though her period’s gone. She sleeps until twelve and comes down to eat before going back into their bedroom and listening to music, eventually falling asleep. 

December 04

“Zaynzaynzaynzayn…” Louis groans as Zayn bobs her head up and down his cock. His hands are gripping her hair as she takes in as much of him as she can, and pumps the rest of it with her hands while straying towards his balls every now and again. Louis’ hips buck up and his head falls back and Zayn knows he’s close so she grabs on to his sack and squeezes gently, springing her fingers through the little hairs springing up around it as Louis gives out one last moan before coming down her throat. She swallows it quickly, and complies when a panting Louis pulls her back up.

“Want me to help you out.” He mutters as he kisses her, pushing his tongue in deep to taste himself as his hands roam her fully covered body. Zayn pulls away and kisses his pulse point, forcing herself to smirk so that he doesn’t get suspicious. 

“No babe, you want me to go down on you again?” Louis grins, but shakes his head. They kiss for a couple of minutes until Liam calls them down to have lunch. 

Zayn stares at the blade of her purple razor sitting on the countertop of the bathroom sink even after Louis has left (she wanted to pee) and doesn’t stop thinking about it until she gets tackled by Niall onto the couch to play Fifa around five in the evening. 

December 05

“How perfect does this one look?” Niall asks as she saunters out of the dressing room on a zebra print black and white bra set. Zayn looks up, not forgetting to drink in the pale skin and perfect curves on Niall’s body before giving her thumbs up. 

“Love it. You already have a pink one though.” She remembers that one a little too vividly. “Try the red panty hose, the one that came with the practically see through bra.” She can imagine Niall’s pale pink nipples straining against the lace and gets a little wet, and judging by Niall’s smirk she can tell Niall knows.

“Want to come in and help me put it on?” the sales lady glances at the two of them, and Zayn shakes her head softly before sinking down on the couch with a blush. Niall rolls her eyes and goes back in. By the way Niall doesn’t speak to her much for the rest of their shopping trip tells Zayn she’s pissed off, but she likes the silence, even if it makes her a total bitch that she’s enjoying her girlfriend ignoring her. 

Zayn doesn’t buy much, just another pair of jeans and a pair of chucks because she has an obsession with shoes. Other than that, she doesn’t do much other than compliment the things Niall choses, even though Niall doesn’t ask. 

When they head to the food court and Niall orders a huge burgher, Zayn can’t help but remember the huge waffle sandwiches she had for breakfast and says that she’s not hungry, even though her stomach is begging her for food. 

Zayn eats twice as much as she usually does for dinner, telling harry she loves the pasta while the lad goes a little red and thanks her with a pat to her butt. Niall drapes herself over Zayn for their after-dinner-movie, Zayn knows they’re back to normal by the way Niall keeps nibbling on her ear, but she just wants to be alone, so she says she’s going to bed halfway through the movie and locks herself in the bathroom until they come back up.

She stares at the toilet bowl, thinking about sticking her fingers down her throat, but decides against it. Liam and Harry take a shower together while the others are getting ready for bed while Zayn pretends to be asleep. She hears their moans and thinks about her razor until she falls asleep. 

December 06

They have an interview with a radio station Zayn can’t bother to remember the name of, and she refuses to wear the mini crop top Caroline tells her to wear and puts on a long sleeved shirt instead. She tells Caro that she’s feeling a bit cold, and the woman accepts her excuse even though she doesn’t look that convinced.

She spaces out through the interview, only adding her own two cents when she feels like it and smiling whenever the camera focuses on her. Niall only has to dig her elbow into Zayn’s ribs once throughout the entire thing, and that’s good because she’s had worse interviews. But she can’t help but imagine how great it would feel in a deep back abyss of nothing.

In the car on their way back home, she gets her first suspicious confrontation. 

“Zayn, honey are you okay?” it’s Harry, and his greyish green eyes are peering down at her small frame with concern written all over his features. She pushes a strand of still done up hair behind her ear and nods, her eyes glued to the screen of the IPad and her head resting peacefully on Liam’s shoulder. 

“Yeah, Harry. I’m fine.” A pause, even Paul, who is driving, tenses.

“Ultimate girl code. Never believe her when she says she’s ‘fine’.” Niall preps from over Harry’s shoulder, blue eyes just as concerned. Zayn simply rolls her eyes and shuts the IPad closed. 

“And when she’s really fine and doesn’t want anyone poking their noses in her business?” it comes out snappy and rude, and Niall’s eyes dim out a bit as she disappears behind the front seat again. Harry scowls at her, and Liam shifts awkwardly so that her head is no longer lying on his shoulder. 

“We’re just being concerned, Zayn.” Harry’s tone is clipped, but she can hear the hurt underneath. She ignores it, because she doesn’t need guilt on top of everything she’s feeling.

“Well then don’t be.” She fishes out her headphones and stuffs them in her ears so they can’t bother her anymore, but she sees the wave of hurt that goes through Harry’s face before he turns away as well. She’s thankful Louis’ asleep, because he always gets overly protective whenever Harry’s hurt, and rude Louis is never ever easy to handle. 

Liam coughs and moves closer to Harry, so she simply closes her eyes and leans against the window instead.

It doesn’t hurt that everyone’s picking sides.

December 07

Zayn sleeps the entire day in the guest room, and no one disturbs her.

December 08

Zayn wakes up at six in the morning, and stares at the darkened sky outside. She knows the sun won’t rise for at least an hour, because it’s winter – even though there is no snow yet. She stares at the rolls in her stomach and decides she needs to hit the gym, or go for a run. 

Creeping into their shared room, she sees everyone else cuddled up together and feels a pang in her chest, and a quiet voice whispers to her that everyone would be so perfect without her around to destroy everything. 

Changing into a sports bra, hoodie, sweats and trainers, she takes off, desperate to get rid of all the stomach fat.

Around eleven, she’s seeing spots in her vision, and has almost been recognized twice. But the stomach fat still rolls so she keeps running. 

Around twelve, she stops herself for some water, because water has no calories (right?) and keeps running.

Around one, the wind has picked up, and she’s nearly blue, but she keeps running.

Around two, she collapses against the door of their apartment, shaking, but doesn’t move to open the door.

Around three, her head feels better (no longer throbbing), and she’s warmed up again, so she goes in. 

The apartment is silent, save for the telltale sounds of COD being played, and the smell of newly made popcorn. Her stomach grumbles, but she ignores it as she begins the treacherous journey upstairs. The stairs creak, and Louis’ head pops up from the living room to survey her.

“Where have you been?” his voice is not unkind, or accusing, but Zayn hears curiosity, and wonders why they care. They shouldn’t.  
“Out.” Her voice wavers, and she wants to sit down on the stairs so bad because her legs are shaking, but she turns away from Louis and keeps going. 

She wants Louis to ask if she’s okay, but he doesn’t and she wishes he did because she starts to shake again behind the guest room door. 

December 09

Zayn sleeps the entire day again, or at least she tries to, because sleep won’t come.

She goes downstairs to eat an apple around noon, and crashes into Niall, who scurries away. 

December 10

She’s awakened by someone pounding on the door, and opens her eyes to see a concerned Harry. “Honey, are you still in Monday’s clothes?” and she is, the hoodie smells like death. 

She barely has the energy to nod as harry seats himself beside her and rubs a palm on the exposed skin of her neck gently. “What’s going on?” his voice is quiet, and Zayn wants to tell him to mind his own damn business, only she has no energy. Her voice won’t work. She groans instead. 

Harry strips her down to the sports bra and undies, and she avoids looking at herself in the mirror while her boyfriend fills the tub with warm water. She avoids looking at herself entirely, because she can still feel her stomach, bloated and disgusting. 

He picks her up and situates her in the water, and begins to wash her body gently with warm water and scented soap. She likes the way his palms feel against her naked skin, it makes her feel light, like she’s capable of anything. Only his touch is gone as soon as it starts, and she’s being lifted back out and wrapped in a towel and is being carried away. 

Harry dresses her in their own room in a t shirt and clean sweats, and proceeds to carry her downstairs. She can only imagine how heavy she must feel to him, and how he must be wondering why he is dating such a fat ass.

Only Niall is sitting on the counter, and Harry answers her unasked question easily.

“Louis and Liam are grocery shopping.” He gives her two BLT sandwiches, and while Niall watches quietly, she eats one of them and pushes the other away. She feels like a child and wishes the two of them would stop staring at her like that. 

“I’m sleepy.” And it’s true, she is. She feels weighed down and tired, like she’s drowning. Harry gives her water and carries her up again to their room, and tells her that they will talk tomorrow. She’s tucked in under the covers, and Niall settles in next to her, but she turns her back and closes her eyes.

Zayn wakes up at midnight to find herself surrounded by bodies. She feels claustrophobic, and she jumps out of bed and rushes into the toilet, where she meets her purple razor.

Still there.

Still mocking her.

She locks the door, and pulls her pants down before sitting on the toilet seat and taking the razor in her hands. The blade gleams at her in the florescent light as she guides it to a creamy patch of thigh. The first cut stings, and a few tears escape, but the pain of the cut stops the pain in her heart. She tries again, and again.

At three cuts, she carefully cleans the blade, removes any evidence of blood using toilet paper and stuffs it in the bin. The cuts have stopped bleeding, and they sting whenever she moves, but she dpulls her sweats back up and moves back into bed.

She sleeps like a baby.

December 20

Zayn has had a really good ten days. She has twenty cuts on her left thigh, and four on her right. She has only eaten fruits all week, and has gone on five secret runs in the dead of the night so the others don’t notice. 

Zayn has successfully faced two more interviews without panicking. She has thrown up only twice so far and finished an entire pack of cigarettes to keep the edge off. 

Zayn has dodged sex all week, but no one seems to notice so everything is perfect. 

They have a fifteen day break before they start work again in the New Year, and Zayn is excited. Life is great.

“ZAAAAAAYYYNNN!!” Niall comes storming in, huge grin lighting up her features as she plops herself down on Zayn’s lap. She feels some of the cuts break painfully under Niall’s weight and winces. Niall of course, notices. 

“Are you okay?” Her baby blues are wide as she stares at her girlfriend. Zayn curses the white PJ bottoms she’s wearing, and hopes Niall would leave soon. 

“Yeah, hun. I’m okay.” Pleaseplease get off my lap. 

“Okay.” Niall grins and wraps both arms around Zayn’s neck and leans in for a kiss. The moment her lips are glued to Niall’s Zayn forgets about the cuts, her worries and everything else as she tangles her fingers in Niall’s long blonde hair and kisses harder. 

“Shit, this is too hot.” She hears someone murmur behind them, but she’s too occupied to care. She hears a zipper go down, and a masculine grunt, as her fingers leave Niall’s hair and down to her boobs, which she begins to massage gently through the fabric of her sweater.

“Shit, what is that?” the same male voice exclaims and Niall is no longer on Zayn, and Zayn is no longer floating as she opens her eyes to see Niall, Harry, Louis and Liam gaping at her thighs. She doesn’t look. She doesn’t have to. 

“Zayn what is that.” It’s the same person, only his voice is softer, breaking, wavering. She just stares at the white space of paint on the wall across from her, and wishes she would shrivel up and die.

“Zayn?” Liam is in her face, looking worried beyond belief as he picks her up and tugs at her sweats questioningly. Is it okay if I remove this? Are you okay with that? Are you okay? She nods, and closes her eyes, wondering what she should do now because she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know what to say, how to react.

“Oh baby doll.” It’s Louis, and he’s crying. Always sassy, rude, confident Louis is crying and it’s all her fault. So she starts crying too, because she’s a monster, a monster that hurt all her boyfriends and girlfriend. 

She holds her arms out, she wants to be held, and she wants them to tell her it’s okay, that they love her. Accept her despite everything. She feels Harry pick her up and she presses her face against his collarbones, wishing she would stop breathing. She doesn’t know she isn’t until someone is rubbing her back and is whispering ‘breathe’ over and over again. So she does, dragging air into her beaten down lungs as someone rubs her back.

She falls asleep, wrapped around Harry.

December 22

Zayn leans her against Niall’s neck and closes her eyes. Yesterday had been honestly exhausting, and it’s particularly why she doesn’t want to think about it, but in short, they talked. The five of them had cuddled up in bed and talked for hours, listening to Zayn talk, soothing her when needed, and not talking at all.

They had all cried, and then Louis had hugged her so tight she couldn’t breathe, but it was okay. They were okay.

She had an appointment, just to talk, tomorrow, and her status would be kept a secret – although it was the last thing on her mind. Everyone was around her when she wanted them, and was giving her space when she wanted that too. 

“It’s weird.” She begins quietly, and Niall doesn’t remove her eyes from the screen of her kindle, but she knows Niall is listening. “It wasn’t the fame, or the haters or anything like that that got to me.” She breathes in, wanting strength. Niall’s silence, oddly, gives her exactly that. “It was like a black wave, drowning me, pulling me under, and it hurt – I can’t explain.” She’s crying again, and Niall has dropped her kindle to cuddle her. But she keeps talking.

“And I’m still drowning, I know, but I’m being pulled back up.”

“You are.” Niall’s voice is a harsh whisper. “You are.” 

December 23

“I’m never going there again!” Zayn screams in the car, eyes red, face scowling. “Fuck you! Fuck her!” she pushes at Liam, who is just trying to help, but she doesn’t want help. She wants to hurt, hurt so bad. The appointment with the psychologist had not gone well; she didn’t want to be analyzed. 

“Please, Zayn.” Niall begs, eyes red. “Zayn. Zayn. We love you.” Zayn sobs, curled up in a corner of the giant SUV and Louis crawls across, picking her up and hugging her tightly. All Louis seems capable of these days is to hug her. 

“It’s hard, honey. But it will get better.” Harry tries, eyes wide and dry. He doesn’t want to cry anymore because crying has no meaning and it hurts even more. “Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but it will get better.” Zayn peeks out from behind Louis’ shoulder and sighs quietly.

“Do you promise?”

“I promise, honey. I do. Life is not perfect; we have to take this step by step, okay? We are all new to this, so there are definitely going to be screw-ups her and there but we will get past it.” Zayn nods against Louis’ shoulder, feeling the darkness ease against her heart as she just goes limp and allows sleep to consume her. 

Maybe it will get better, someday. '

December 24

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOOO YOOOU!” Zayn screams, eyes wide, face exuberant as she watches Louis close his eyes and blow out the twenty three candles on his chocolate cake. She stares at the smoke afterwards, still smiling because she is happy. Happy is good.   
She watches as Liam pushes Louis into his cake, and the lad come back out with a brown and white face mask (he’s not really a lad anymore, age wise) and squeals in surprise because it blows into a full fledged cake fight afterwards. 

She forgets about wanting to look good, wanting to watch her weight as she throws clumps of cake against Louis, and gets hit in return. She forgets about wanting to hurt while she licks icing off Niall’s ear and giggles when she sees the boner Louis is sporting. For the whole evening of goofing around and just being themselves, she forgets about everything and feels free.

So when Louis sneaks her into the closest closet and fingers her in the dark, she can only moan in reply and think about how good his fingers feel against her. She doesn’t think about the darkness in her soul or the hurt in her mind because it’s just her and Louis, and it’s good.

Of course, the others look flushed as they are when they emerge, and she only goes redder in response when she catches Liam’s hands down Harry’s pants. Niall just winks at her, nestled between Liam and Harry, topless, of course. 

And it’s normal, and Zayn is happy.

December 25

She knows her happiness wouldn’t have lasted as she cries against the tiled walls of their toilet at six in the morning the next day. The water is scalding hot, but she likes it, she revels in the feeling of the burning water that is pelting down on her pruned body.  
Why would anyone love her? What is she? She’s just a worthless little bitch. She sobs against the tile and allows herself to drown in the blackness of her heart. It feels so so good. 

Her drowning is short lived because she’s being pulled back up almost immediately.

The door is flung open, and a half dressed Liam comes barreling through to turn off the warm water and turn the cold water on, to soothe Zayn’s skin before he picks her up, towels her and holds her close to his warm body. He’s shaking, and Zayn just leans against him until he stops and gazes down at her with warm brown eyes bathed in fear.

“Don’t do that, Zayn. Please don’t do that.” She finally starts to cry again, and Liam holds her this time and they just stay there like that until Harry finds them asleep on the floor later on. No one says anything, but Louis hugs her again and it makes her re-think, maybe she should live for them if not for herself.

December 27

“Zaaaaaynn!!” it’s Perrie, and he looks as good as ever, with his hair back to platinum blonde. She grins as he picks her up and hugs her tightly, fully aware of the way Niall and the boys are twitching in jealousy. 

“Hi Pezza.” She’s dropped back down, and Harry comes forth to hug her from behind, a marking of territory of sorts to which Perrie is completely oblivious as he goes on to slap Harry on the back as hello before moving on to the rest of hers.

Zayn and Perrie had dated for a while, but they both just accepted that they were not meant for each other. Especially with Zayn’s obsession with her bandmates. Unlike most relationships, they actually remained friends until now. 

Zayn thinks it’s good that she is spending time with people who are not Niall, Louis, Liam and Harry. Not that spending time with them is bad, but she supposes she should go out more, make more friends, or hang out with already made friends, or whatnot.   
“I bet I can kick your ass in COD.” Zayn grins, and Perrie’s eyebrows rise in challenge. 

“Oh, can you really, little girl?”

“I can too!” she sticks her tongue out like a mature adult before racing him to the living room (and the boys follow because they want to make sure Perrie doesn’t get too close to their Zayn).

 

-

October 26

Zayn looks up at the brunette interviewer and offers her one of her usual languid, slow smiles. She feels her husband squeeze her hand in reassurance and she smiles a little broader before she starts explaining. “I’d just like to say that several years back, I was in a very dark place. It could have been the fame, or the pressure or just how I decided how to cope with everything like insecurity and meeting up to the extremely high expectations, but basically I’d like to say that depression is a very serious, dangerous thing.” Deep breath.

“I had so many people to help me along the way, my friends, family, and especially my bandmates.” She smiles a tiny secretive smile when she thinks about them. “And I believe that no one should have to face their depression alone. There are people who care, and I am starting this organization to fund several help centers to fight depression because I know how dark it can be.”

“I still wake up with nightmares and sometimes I think, does the fight ever end? It would be so easy to just give up and succumb into the darkness but I know that there are people who love me and people that I love who I cannot bear to let down. I know that I am more than what the voices tell me, I know that I have talent, beauty and potential inside me and therefore I will not give up. I will fight, until the end.”

She doesn’t even hear the applause of the audience as she wipes a tear from her face.

**Author's Note:**

> idek, this was supposed to be posted around december but it took wayyy too long to write so.  
> My tumblr: i-want-their-1d
> 
> COMMENT!!!


End file.
